Reflections
According to my "I am sober" app, today is officially day 23 of my sobriety. The next milestone is 25 days "a quarter", so in 2 days I will be 25% of the way to completing my goal of one hundred AF days. That time has passed relatively quickly and I have navigated a family holiday, New Years Eve and various birthday parties on the way.
Time passes so rapidly one minute its NYE, the next we're more than half way through January wondering how the happened. The beauty of January 2019 is I will remember every single moment and wont have any drunken incidents to worry about. This makes me think of all the times I have missing memories of night outs or special events. Memories that start vivid but after that 2nd or 3rd glass of wine start the fade. Conversations half remembered....in some occasions that's a good thing. Fuzzy memories of slurred words, trips and stumbles.
Now having socialised sober these past 23 days, when I would normally of drank heavily, makes me realise that alcohol has not enhanced my life. Alcohol has diminished it. Numbed it. Eaten into the detail and blurred the edges. Morning afters were spent worrying - about what I said, what I did. Even when I had done nothing wrong. I worried, created apocalyptic situations and then stress for days after. Convince myself I had offended someone. Read into every message sent or received in the days following. Alcohol encouraged the crazy in me, massaged the ego of the devil on my shoulder.
Saturday past I woke up with most horrendous headache. One of those mornings where you open your eyes one at a time to make sure you are actually awake. One of those, what the hell did I drink last night? Why the hell did I not stop? Headaches. Then I realised I was sober and it was just a headache. A you're knackered, you haven't had enough sleep headache.
After drowning two paracetamol in coffee and plastering my forehead with pain relief, I had an epiphany. This headache has been a normality in my life for years and if I'm honest had been getting worse. I suffered a "hangover" at least once a week and they had been gradually getting more painful. The headache lasted longer and I was ill more often. I have been deliberately inflicting this on myself for years. What a tube! I have been poisoning, hurting and corroding my body by drinking alcohol. Alcohol has affected my mental health and behaviour. When I drink alcohol I do not act or feel like me. I am brash, loud and try too hard. That's just not me.
One of the major advantages for me of not drinking alcohol is never having to question myself whether I should drive or not. The morning after debate in my head of: am I over the limit? How many hours does it take for alcohol to leave my system? Why the hell did I have that extra glass of wine? I swear the nights I went out well aware I needed to drive in the morning, were the nights I had that extra drink. Forever putting myself through the stress the following morning. So I love being able to just jump in my car and not even think about it. It is crazy the amount of time I have wasted worrying about driving and alcohol. Now I didn't drink and drive. Years ago I would have one drink but for the past 5 years or so I wouldn't have anything if I was driving. My mental hell came the morning after the night before. Sobriety has ended that. Period.
Forever. That's a hell of a long time. Will I be sober forever? My honest answer is I don't know. But what I do know is, this has been a positive experience for me. I prefer sober me. I am finding a side of me that I really quite like. A social and creative me. A bit of geek me. A me who is investigating new interests and hobbies. A me who isn't worrying about what other people think so much. A me who isn't trying to keep up. So I suppose the question I must answer is, why would I drink again? And as I sit here sipping my AF cider, I really don't know. That's something to ponder.
Till next time
WM-NM x
Time passes so rapidly one minute its NYE, the next we're more than half way through January wondering how the happened. The beauty of January 2019 is I will remember every single moment and wont have any drunken incidents to worry about. This makes me think of all the times I have missing memories of night outs or special events. Memories that start vivid but after that 2nd or 3rd glass of wine start the fade. Conversations half remembered....in some occasions that's a good thing. Fuzzy memories of slurred words, trips and stumbles.
Now having socialised sober these past 23 days, when I would normally of drank heavily, makes me realise that alcohol has not enhanced my life. Alcohol has diminished it. Numbed it. Eaten into the detail and blurred the edges. Morning afters were spent worrying - about what I said, what I did. Even when I had done nothing wrong. I worried, created apocalyptic situations and then stress for days after. Convince myself I had offended someone. Read into every message sent or received in the days following. Alcohol encouraged the crazy in me, massaged the ego of the devil on my shoulder.
Saturday past I woke up with most horrendous headache. One of those mornings where you open your eyes one at a time to make sure you are actually awake. One of those, what the hell did I drink last night? Why the hell did I not stop? Headaches. Then I realised I was sober and it was just a headache. A you're knackered, you haven't had enough sleep headache.
After drowning two paracetamol in coffee and plastering my forehead with pain relief, I had an epiphany. This headache has been a normality in my life for years and if I'm honest had been getting worse. I suffered a "hangover" at least once a week and they had been gradually getting more painful. The headache lasted longer and I was ill more often. I have been deliberately inflicting this on myself for years. What a tube! I have been poisoning, hurting and corroding my body by drinking alcohol. Alcohol has affected my mental health and behaviour. When I drink alcohol I do not act or feel like me. I am brash, loud and try too hard. That's just not me.
One of the major advantages for me of not drinking alcohol is never having to question myself whether I should drive or not. The morning after debate in my head of: am I over the limit? How many hours does it take for alcohol to leave my system? Why the hell did I have that extra glass of wine? I swear the nights I went out well aware I needed to drive in the morning, were the nights I had that extra drink. Forever putting myself through the stress the following morning. So I love being able to just jump in my car and not even think about it. It is crazy the amount of time I have wasted worrying about driving and alcohol. Now I didn't drink and drive. Years ago I would have one drink but for the past 5 years or so I wouldn't have anything if I was driving. My mental hell came the morning after the night before. Sobriety has ended that. Period.
Forever. That's a hell of a long time. Will I be sober forever? My honest answer is I don't know. But what I do know is, this has been a positive experience for me. I prefer sober me. I am finding a side of me that I really quite like. A social and creative me. A bit of geek me. A me who is investigating new interests and hobbies. A me who isn't worrying about what other people think so much. A me who isn't trying to keep up. So I suppose the question I must answer is, why would I drink again? And as I sit here sipping my AF cider, I really don't know. That's something to ponder.
Till next time
WM-NM x
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